Self Improvement Ideas

I regularly dispense self improvement ideas and tips not only here on the website, but also in reply to the emails I get from subscribers to Self Help Weekly (no longer available - the content has been incoproated into this site). Here are some of those questions and answers, edited only slightly for clarity, and with personal information removed.

Q: I repeatedly fail and disappoint others. What can I do?

A: Expectations of others don't matter, and neither do our own. In fact, it is almost as if they are a trick meant to hurt us. Our minds tell us that things should be a certain way and we then suffer if we cannot achieve that. If we do meet our expectations we often find that they don't bring us what we were really seeking.

There is a way to find some peace in the moment, even though the future we work towards will always be different than we imagine. Keep looking, keep working at it, and relax. I know that sounds contradictory, but it isn't work (or situations or "failure") that causes stress - it is our own thoughts. We are too attached to them even though they are not necessarily looking out for our best interest. Doubt your own negative thoughts and you may discover that they are not you, and that there is a higher view (even for non-religious people like me). I hope that makes a little bit of sense. Good luck and good life.

Q: I feel that there is so much uncertainty. How do I stop getting stressed out about it?

A: Uncertainty is not a problem. It becomes one only when combined with the idea that things should be certain.

Q: Is the Guy Finley product you promote about the "secret" or "law of attraction?" I already wasted 8 months of my life trying that. The Secret" it is not based in any way on quantum physics, but they took one little blurb from quantum physics threw in some think and grow rich and started a movement. I wish I had known this before I wasted my time and money on this.

A: It is definitely not about the "law of attraction." That is based on old ideas that have been recycled many times and it seems that some author's really don't get that you have to do something and not just focus on what you want. It's absolutely true from my experience that focusing on what you want increases the odds of getting it. This is the function of the reticular cortex, a part of our brains that also causes us to see more red cars once we start looking for them. But certainly concentrating on desires alone can't make them come true. The "probability of attraction" apparently isn't inspiring enough, so the word "law" is thrown around.

I promote Guy Finley's product because it has worked for me. In fact, when I first listened to cassette tapes of his twenty years ago it had an immediate impact on me. I set them aside and forgot about them unfortunately, and self-work (or whatever you call it) is something like exercising - you lose the benefits if you don't keep it up. When I eventually rediscovered his newer work (this set had 16 CDs) I found it to be better than ever. Powerful principles that once understood really change the way you experience life (much less stress in my case).

Scientific? Not yet, since science follows good ideas afterwards to confirm them. But you can confirm them for yourself, and it won't take eight months. I am a big believer in science, and a big skeptic of "The Secret" and similar nonsense, but I also recognize that things work before science shows us why, so I also tend to look for the evidence of experience. That much is not psuedo-science, but just common sense or "pre-science."

It is a bit heavy on the spirituality for my tastes (though not religious at all), as I consider myself an atheist. But the bottom line is that these are just great lessons. In any case I take much of what is called spiritual to be a metaphorical understanding of good psychological principles.

If you buy the program you'll know if it it's right for you from the first hour-long CD. If not, just get a refund.

Sorry that you wasted so much time on the other stuff. It does sound like you can really commit to something though. Now you just have to find the something that works.

Q: How do I boost my self confidence?

A: You may not like this idea, but one good way to boost self confidence is to simply start doing the things that you're afraid to do or unsure about. Take small steps at first, but just note the nervous feelings and choose to act anyhow (another way to put this is to stop taking advice from your fearful thoughts). The simple truth is that if we just repeatedly do something we gain confidence in our ability to do it. I hope that helps. (By the way, we all face confidence issues at times.)

Note: I'll have more of these self improvement ideas in the form of questions and answers as I glean them from my email files. Watch for them in the "newest pages" section on the homepage.